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Truths for mature humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than the moment during a fight when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times when I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 

9. I can't remember the last time when I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore what comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-pages technical report  that I swear did not make any changes to. 

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance to me the entire day. What a waste. 

17. I keep some peoples phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I wish Google had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

20. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and then realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it. 

21. I would rather try to carry 10 overloaded plastic bags in each hand than take to trips to bring my groceries in.

22. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

23. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty. You can wear them FOREVER.

25. Is it just me or do highschool kids get dumber and dumber every year?

26. There is no worse feeling than that milliesecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. 

27. As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 

29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone when it rings and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

30. Sometimes, when I'm waiting for something, I'll  prentend to check a message on my cellphone just to appear busy. 

31. People always seem to call or visit me when I'm in the bathroom, showering or taking a ****.

32. When I spot a police officer somewhere, anywhere, I always try to look inconspicuous. 

33. Your crush will always come over and try to talk to you when you left the house in the morning not giving a **** what you look like. 

34. Sometimes at night when I'm about to fall sleep I suddenly think about that one day I'll die and then I'll lie awake for what feels like hours.

35. I always try to finish interrupted dreams by trying to fall asleep again. It almost never works. But when I have a nightmare, wake up and then fall asleep again, hoping I'll dream something else, the nightmare will carry on exactely where it stopped. 



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